Today’s blog is about something, which we all have the tendency to do, we project our own pain onto others because it is too painful to see our own hurts and keeps us in a endless cycle of depression, low mood and unhappiness. So by reading this today you are already one step closer to doing yourself a huge favor because you will start to see what you are doing to keep yourself stuck in this endless cycle of negativity.
“Everything I think, feel, say or do belongs to me. I am responsible for all of it.”
(The Power of Love, page 46, by Paul Ferrini)
In order words if you feel negative or positive and blame ‘someone’ else for it, then you are projecting what is inside you. What I will call the ‘blame game’ is something we learn to do typically in childhood and the more we play this game the more we believe it is true. This is pattern of behavior is further enforced in day-to-day life as ‘what you do’ by TV, typically soap opera’s, social media and newspapers.
The problem is, that by denying our own pain, we are denied of the opportunity to heal our unconscious wounds that get hidden by our projections. Yes, you may have triggered the emotional hurt inside me but it is only me who can be responsible for taking responsibility for healing the wound within me that was triggered by what you did or said.
See if you recognize yourself is any of the following?
- Blaming your partner for how they have made you feel “It’s your fault, because you made me feel this way”.
- Trying to change or fix the other person. “If you only gave me support then I would be fine”.
- When another person pushes a button within and you attack them back. “I was fine until you did/said that”.
- When we try to convince the other person that they are to blame when we know they are not.
- Comparing and judging yourself to another person, whether this is favorable or not.
- Withdrawing from a relationship and blaming them for your upset.
Healing begins when you take personal responsibility
When you begin to stop projecting out and stay with your feelings, you are likely to feel some discomfort and unease to start with. But don’t be fooled, this is just another defence mechanism called resistance, it’s job is to keep you stuck because it feels threatened by change, so don’t listen! Like a wave sometimes your emotions will increase and decrease, don’t be afraid, this is just you telling you and showing you what some of your hurts are. If your feelings increase then it is perfectly nature that you will feel the urge to go back to old patterns of projecting.
Sitting with your own feelings starts a process of transformation and it is a wonderful place to start. Here is where you start to see your internal pain story that you have been carrying around within you. Here is where you find compassion not only for yourself but also for others concerned. Here is where you can start to heal rifts in your relationship with yourself and others.
Take a few moments today to notice how you may be projecting and notice how others do it also. By doing this, you are developing further your self-awareness. The next step is to learn how to transform you feelings, which I will go into more in my next blog, so please keep tuned.